From professional counsellors

After 11 years working at Waikato Hospital and the Waikato Hospice with people who were terminally ill, I noticed that there were often common reactions to the death of a close family member, especially a partner.  I wish to share these with you now.  I noticed that:

1.   It is common for the person who is left alive to feel in a vacuum, now the person that you loved has died. As if you want more than anything for the world to be turned backwards, and that the one thing you want most and would give anything for, you can’t have; this can cause intense frustration. You can’t go backwards and yet going forwards (wherever that might be?) seems so unthinkable, even a betrayal of the lost person, as they cannot go forward with you and yet you don’t want to leave them behind. So for a while there, we are held in suspension in a place we did not want to be, held by default because we did not get in this position by anything that we did. This can feel really unfair.
   
2.   You may have spent more and more time with the dying person, being with them, thinking about them, visiting them, waiting for the next visiting time, arranging your life more and more around their needs.  Now all this is over.  People often feel exhausted, tired and lost at this point.  They have given up so much of their life to be with dying person, especially towards the end in caring for them, that it has taken over their reason for living.  So now what do we do?
   
3.   Carers often have mixed emotions about their loved one, sad that they are gone, relief that they do not suffer anymore, maybe guilty that at some point they wished that their loved one might die because they are so exhaused and tired of seeing them in so much pain, with such a low quality of life.    Sometimes the caring process has involved family members that you have suddenly seen much more of, or in a different way to usual.  Sometimes this brings family closer together, but sometimes it revives old resentments.  Carers sometimes ‘take over’ and seem to ignore the fact that, as you have lived your life with this person, you may often feel that only you really know what they need.

4.   Those who have lost a partner say they feel stunned, frozen in time, confused, angry, hopeless, unreal, lonely, waiting for them to come through the door any minute, hurt, devastated, and as if they are falling apart.  Losing a partner is devastating and it can feel like the love of your life has gone and taken all your life with them. How can I live without them now? Where would I begin to find my life again when it has been a 'we' and not an 'I' for so long? 

5.   Being on your own now is a really strange feeling, and is very different from when you were single before. Having got used to coming home to someone, thinking for two people, having someone to talk to even though at times they were annoying, there was a comfort in having someone there who knew you and knew your struggles and hopes, your triumphs and your disappointments.  You may get common reminders that you are on your own now in books, videos, films, friends being couples etc. This can be hard and you might feel yourself hating or resenting others who are still a couple and feel it is not fair, that the best people seem to die and leave the not so ‘good’ people behind.

6.   It takes effort to pick up the threads of your life again.  Usually people feel too drained and tired to do this immediately, and so it takes time to feel you can do anything at all, never mind begin a life again. At times making meals, doing the washing etc can feel like a momentous task, and it can feel pointless even to try.

7.   Feeling sad, weepy, tired all the time, confused, sitting in a chair starring into space, being numb, not eating, not caring about anything never mind getting on with life, are all normal feelings as our deeper self tries to come to terms with the loss.

8.   Taking care of yourself right now is important. You will probably feel tired most of the time, so if you can rest, do so, and only use your available energy rather than ‘pushing’ yourself to do more.

11.   Whilst we are grieving or caring for someone who is dying it puts great strain on all our existing relationships, especially close family.  They may have resented you spending so much time with your partner or relative and not spending enough time with them.  This can feel unfair and that they are insensitive, especially if you were much closer to the person who has died than they were.

12.   Research and experience has shown that certain behaviours seem to help each other get through this time.  These are:

• •    An acceptance that we are all in this together
• •    That we become aware of each others different needs at different times
• •    That we become committed to protecting each other
• •    We acknowledge that we need help at times
• •    We resist blame, even though we feel the urge to
• •    We may be willing to laugh and be ‘normal’ without guilt
• •    We make efforts to keep talking.
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13.   Research and experience with people who are bereaved has shown there are a few thoughts that can help during this time when they need support the most.  These are that:

• •    People often cannot comfort you if they also feel upset
• •    You need to tell others the kind of help that you need
• •    You do not need to be stoic and strong. Everyone knows that you are in pain. Why pretend?
• •    It is common to want to ‘hang on’ until after the funeral, and when things quieten down to ‘crash’. This is a time to seek help and to talk.
• •    We can often cut ourselves off from others if our grief seems bigger than our attachment to other people around us. Try to keep a balance here, as total isolation is not a good thing for a long time.
• •    People do not know what to say to us, they fear ‘upsetting’ us so they can say the wrong thing or just walk away, helpless.  They do not mean to hurt us; they just don’t know what to do, just like we don’t.  They feel awkward, so you might need to give them a start by saying that you want to talk about something with them.
• •    People express their grief in different ways - some become quiet, some withdraw, some become angry, some garden, and some talk to others. There is no one way to do this, and it is different for everyone.
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• •    Sometimes, a death in the family can bring out the worst and the best in people. Some find new strength and become a great help in the home with the ordinary things that count, others seem to become mean-spirited. I suspect that this was always there and it now comes to the surface.
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Written and compiled by Robert Jenkinson who is a counsellor in Hamilton, New Zealand.
Email: robinjay@gmail.com