A funeral is an extremely emotional family event. That’s why it’s important to choose an experienced and reliable funeral home that understands the unique needs of your family. Caring and professionally trained staff will guide you through the many decisions and choices, to ensure your loved one’s funeral is a fitting reflection of their life.
When someone we love dies, our overwhelming grief makes it very difficult to focus on what needs to be done. Don’t be afraid to ask friends and family to help and always remember that you are doing your best.
If you like, you can use the following list as a guide. You don’t have to follow it in the order shown, but it does have some correlation to the order in which some decisions will need to be made. If it helps make things easier, print it out and keep it as a handy reminder.
1) Notify authorities
If the tragedy occurs outside a hospital or nursing home, you may need to notify authorities of the death. Call the GP (doctor) of your loved one or, if the death was sudden or accidental, contact your local emergency number. The authorities will call the local coroner. Although it may not actually be necessary to call the coroner, it is a good idea to do so, especially if the death was unexpected.
2) Notify close relatives and friends
The police are required to notify next of kin, but there will most likely be other relatives who should be included, especially if they need to travel some distance to attend the funeral. Ask a close friend or family member to notify any relatives and set up a time to meet with the funeral director.
Whenever you think of someone you need to contact, it may help to write their name down if you’re away from a phone or you just don’t feel like talking at that particular moment. Also, keep a pen and paper next to the phone as it’s easy to lose track of who you have and have not spoken to at a time like this.
If a friend or neighbour calls in and offers help, it’s okay to let them. Don’t for a moment think you’re being a burden. Even little things like answering the phone or making cups of tea will be a big help.
3) Contact a funeral director
Funeral directors are there for you to lean on when you’re hurting. When it comes to a funeral, they will do as much of the organising as you want them to. They are trained to help with the many aspects of death. If there’s anything you’re not sure of, just ask.
As difficult as it is, you will need to discuss (as a family) who will be responsible for funeral expenses for billing purposes. If there is an Executor for the estate of your loved one, this person usually handles this responsibility, but it is entirely up to the family to determine who should do so. Often families will divide this responsibility between several family members.
Gather the information you will need for the completion of the death certificate. Your funeral director can help you with this. You may also like to use our online checklists to help you.
Most countries will require similar details for the Registration of Death. This information will normally be requested from you by your funeral director when you first meet.
4) Consider embalming the body
Some people wish to embalm their loved ones for viewing or cultural reasons. Others wish to skip this process for environmental, financial or cultural reasons. This decision will determine the timing of many other decisions you make. The laws of your country may require bodies that are not embalmed be buried sooner than bodies that are.
5) Select clothing for your loved one
This can be a very difficult decision, but try to remember their favourite outfit. Try to keep it formal, if possible, but don’t be afraid to do something slightly out of the norm, if you feel it best reflects their personality.
6) Jewelry
Remember any special medals, pins or jewelry for your loved one. Watches, earrings, necklaces, tie tacks, cuff links, or anything that they particularly liked can also be given to your funeral director.
You can request these items be removed when your loved one is buried or cremated, as you may wish to keep the items close to you throughout life.
7) Choose between a Burial or Cremation
If a Burial is selected:
a) Cemetery plot
If a plot has been previously purchased, ensure you have the deed to the plot with you when you meet with your funeral director. If you know you have a plot but don’t have the deed in your possession, the funeral director can contact the cemetery to arrange confirmation. Otherwise, a plot will need to be purchased. The funeral director will assist you with this.
b) Vault
Your funeral director will describe the various types available.
c) Mausoleum
Public mausoleum - a space in a public mausoleum can be purchased in the same way as cemetery plots, ie. individually or in groups.
Family mausoleum - family mausoleums or garden crypt structures may be used for an individual or a family. Space for this structure is purchased from the cemetery and a monument company usually builds the structure to your family’s personal specifications.
Individual/companion mausoleum - the individual/companion mausoleum is an above ground structure that houses one or more crypts. They require the same amount of space as underground burial.
If a Cremation is selected:
a) Cost
Cost is a major factor for many in deciding between burial and cremation. In urban areas where crematoriums are easily accessible and grave space is scarce, cremation can be significantly cheaper.
b) Which Crematorium?
You will need to choose an appropriate crematorium. Ensure that the seating is adequate. Do you want catering to follow? If so, where? Is there a facility on site or will you be required to travel? Is the site easily accessible?
c) Placement of Cremains (Cremated remains)
Ensure any wishes that may have been expressed by the deceased in respect to the placement of their cremated remains, are carried out. If they are to be placed or interred within the Crematorium facility, ensure the appropriate requested site is available before deciding on whether to use that particular crematorium facility.
8) Select the casket, coffin or container
Your funeral director will be able to provide you with options in respect to the casket or coffin you require. You will be able to choose either a metal or wood casket / coffin or perhaps a cardboard container and if you are planning a cremation. If your loved one is being cremated, you may wish to select an urn at the same time.
9) Viewing
At some point you will need to decide whether there is to be a viewing of your loved one. Your funeral director will guide you through this. Some cultures encourage their loved one to be taken home or to an alternative venue for the wake period.
10) Open or closed casket at funeral
Have a discussion with your family to decide whether you want an open or closed casket. Some clergy persons insist that the casket be closed for the funeral service, however if you have a specific wish for the casket to remain open during the service, be sure to specify this when selecting a clergy person.
11) The funeral service
When you plan the funeral service, you need to consider when and where the service will be conducted. This raises a series of additional decisions to be made, for example burial or cremation, funeral home, church, temple, mosque, at the graveside, among others.
Fraternal orders and military may provide special ceremonies for the funeral service. Check with the local branch of the service your loved one was enlisted in for more information.
Your funeral director should also be made aware of the relationships of people attending to seat them appropriately.
12) Composing the obituary
Click here to see some ideas for writing an obituary.
It is common to include a list of those who have survived your loved one. The list may include (where applicable):
The surviving relatives listed above may be listed by name. Other relatives can be included and referred to in terms of their relationship. For instance, the obituary may mention that your loved one had 4 grandchildren, 5 nephews etc. But it’s totally up to you how you want to word it.
The venue, day and time of the funeral service needs to be stated. It makes good sense to include the address of the venue for those travelling from out of town. Additional information may be advertised like the vigil details, the burial, the cremation details, the wake and memorial service where appropriate.
13) Flower arrangements
The flower arrangements will need to be chosen and provided for by the family.
These may include a casket spray, lid arrangements, standing spray, matching baskets and other special floral items. You can ask your funeral director for guidance if you like or
click here to browse through our directory of florists.
You may like to set up an online memorial tribute for family and friends to send virtual flowers and charitable donations.
Click here to start.
14) Audio visual presentation, static pictures or photo album
Consider preparing an audio visual presentation to be displayed prior to, during, or after the service. Another thing you can do is display photographs of your loved one. This gives attendees at the funeral an opportunity to share memories of good times or special moments during the life of someone special.
You may also like to think about displaying items that were dear to your loved one is. If you want a unique send-off, then you should do it. Ultimately, you’ll know what’s right in your heart.
15) Eulogies
A decision will need to be made as to who will be asked to deliver a eulogy at the funeral. Eulogies should represent a touching overview of the life of your loved one. These could include someone speaking on behalf of: